ANCIENT& not so ancient WISDOM
offering a weekly positive perspective

October 30, 2003

Celebrate significant changes in your actions. They represent a victory gained by experience and a determination to listen to your heart and the relationships around you.

- a quote in development by Jeffrey Hansler ( 1957 - )

It is one thing to talk about “relationships” in business and quite another to live them.

Growing a business, small or large, requires risk: risk of capital, reputation, and relationships. All of these strain and stress those involved in the decisions. Stress is neither good nor bad in itself – until the cumulative effects exceed an individual’s capacity to deal with stress.

I am seeking the words to describe an overwhelming change in a colleague’s behavior. Let’s call him Jack. Though very talented, Jack undermined his business relationships when his threshold of stress was crossed. In his overloaded state, Jack’s emotional tension would rise resulting in an outward display of tension and attacking words and gestures despite the fact that Jack excelled at communication under “normal” circumstances when he was not emotionally involved. (Yes, Jack has been a mentor of mine in the past, and yes I have experienced his behavior.) Two things are significant in Jack’s life. He is recently aware that his behaviors are tied to traumatic events in his past, a past he is addressing for the first time in his life, and he is aware that if he desires change in his life, then his focus must be on his own behavior.

It was obvious that fear was driving Jack’s behavior. It is also obvious that this was Jack’s solution to separating himself from his fear by driving away the relationships facing him with his fear. The damage to his relationships was significant, creating hurt and mistrust in those he depended on. The relationships that received the brunt of his emotions were the very ones most in a position to help and create success in his
business.

I have recently been witness to an amazing change in Jack. One of his colleagues’ (we’ll call him Karl) failed to keep a commitment to Jack. Jack was justifiable in being upset. It was going to cost him money and it was (I learned later) one more failed commitment in a series of failed commitments by Karl.

Jack entered into the discussion with all the appropriate business dialogue from “Management 101”. Karl began to supply a series of excuses from his studies “I’m not responsible 101” and at this point Jack snapped. The verbal attacking and tirade began. Jack was on a role. This was “the Jack method” of dealing with the situation. 

Karl did not match Jack’s behavior. (I was admittedly amazed at this until I came to learn that Karl was very practiced in this pattern as a way to justify his own behavior. He had dealt with many Jack’s before.) Karl calmly let Jack continue until he took a breath at which point Karl said, “Why do you act this way, you can not like what I have done, and you can be angry with the result it has brought, but why do you treat our relationship this way, it is far more important than what is going on immediately.”

In hearing this, Jack stopped, looked at Karl, apologized for his behavior, and excused himself.

Later that day, Jack re-entered the discussion with Karl. As Jack calmly and logically laid out the consequences of Karl’s behavior regarding the failed commitments. Karl pulled out his emotional trump card and mentioned Jack’s earlier behavior.

Jack acknowledge his behavior, apologized for it, thanked Karl for bringing it to his attention under those circumstances, and went right back to the issue at hand.

It has been 6 months, since that time. I have had several occasions to witness Jack with his new behavior model. As a result of this change, his relationships are stronger than they have ever been and during this time his business has grown significantly.

In open discussions with his staff, they have remarked that since “the Jack method” is no longer a factor, they can focus more on getting the job done and not dealing with unnecessary emotional crisis. His company has become an emotionally safer place to work.

Per Jack, “I don’t know. It just hit me. I could hear the wisdom and truth in Karl’s words despite the circumstances and my current emotional baggage. I made an immediate internal decision that I would not travel far down this path again. Since then, I have had to catch myself occasionally as I started the old pattern so it has not been an overnight change. I certainly like the results better.’

Wishing you great and continued success!

Sincerely,