ANCIENT& not so ancient WISDOM
offering a weekly positive perspective

September 4, 2003

We need to realize our need for limits...and that submitting to the boundary process is a great equalizer in a mutual relationship.

- Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

It’s 2 o’clock in the morning… I realize I have experienced the most successful and busiest 6 months of my career as a speaker and trainer. I am being rewarded with business from the results of a new keynote program. I have enough paperwork on my desk to keep me occupied for 16 hours. I have a deadline looming from my agent for a rough draft of the new book project, and I am behind in calls to clients, bureaus, and prospects…and what’s running through my head is a chain of learning points that have lead me to understand the value of the above quote to successful relationship selling (and relationships in general).

 (I’m also contemplating the reasons I’m wide awake at 2 in the morning and functioning on an average of four hours of sleep a night, but that’s another story...) 

Often in our learning, we hear a guidance point without the deep underlying supporting material (the Universal Truth) on why it works. I believe the above quote points out a critical element to successful sales (and business and personal) relationships because it serves the needs of all parties concerned versus compromising the ongoing needs of one party which eventually leads to either an unhealthy relationship or a financial disaster (or both). I mention three guidance points below that are related to the Universal Truth and Importance of boundaries.

An initial guidance point that I was exposed to relating to boundaries in sales was ‘You can live with a yes, you can live with a no, but a maybe will kill you.’ The explanation was that a MAYBE would require continual follow-up that would steal a salesperson’s most important asset – time.  While this is a genuine point, there’s a
deeper underlying ‘truth’ as to why it will ‘kill the relationship’. A MAYBE is without boundaries and once a boundary is tested and falls, the tendency is for more frequent and harsher testing of boundaries, which leads to an unpleasant and unhealthy relationship filled with doubt, fear, and frustration for all parties.

Another guidance point was to be ‘hard on the issues and soft on the people’. This learning point comes from a great speaker, a friend and mentor of mine, Roger Dawson. The point is to deal with the issue being discussed and come to resolution on it without getting personal and criticizing, condemning, or attacking the other person for their position. It’s also a simple method for setting critical boundaries for the discussion and the relationship.

The next guidance point was to ‘ask the hard questions’. The hard questions are those questions where the answer might mean the end of the sale (and possibly the relationship).  Avoiding the hard questions doesn’t make a sale happen, it only wastes your time and it destroys the boundaries required for a mutual relationship. By asking the hard questions, you have the opportunity to bring the relationship to one of full disclosure and dealing as close to reality as possible. This establishes boundaries that promote a positive agreement to work together (a sale)!

I’ve experienced the rewards of asking the hard questions, being hard on the issues and soft on the people, and setting the parameters of how to move forward for the success of all parties concerned. I’ve also experienced the pain of not following these guidance points. These guidance points are about limits and boundaries. They provide a working arena, focus, and they promote decisiveness – all elements that contribute to success, accomplishment, and progress. Establishing relationships in business is best when based on a mutual relationship, a mutual understanding clearly defined with the establishment of boundaries.

Wishing you great and continued success!

Sincerely,